General Sex Questions

Why don’t I feel the pleasure everyone talks about when having sex?

There are many reasons why you may be feeling reduced pleasure during intercourse. Previous abuse is a possible factor but the following can also play a role in sexual arousal: Lack of knowledge about sexual stimulation or interactions, Poor body image, Guilt or embarrassment about sex, Cultural or religious beliefs about sex, Stressors, such as financial problems or loss of a loved one, or mental health conditions, such as anxiety or depression.

Furthermore, this can also be an issue within the relationship and not necessarily with you. Some relationship factors that can lead to low arousal are the following: Lack of emotional intimacy, Unresolved conflicts, Poor communication of sexual needs and preferences, Infidelity or breach of trust, Intimate partner violence, or Partner's sexual dysfunction, such as a male partner with erectile dysfunction.

There can also be physical reasons for low arousal. Long-term conditions — such as diabetes, overactive bladder or multiple sclerosis — may be contributing or complicating factors in orgasm disorders. Tissue damage from gynecologic surgeries, such as hysterectomy or cancer surgery, may affect the ability to have an orgasm. Many prescription and nonprescription medications can inhibit orgasm, including blood pressure medications, antipsychotic drugs, antihistamines and antidepressants — particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). A healthcare provider can help you determine if there is a physical reason you are experiencing low arousal.

If you want to derive more pleasure from sex, it can be very helpful to learn more about what you find sexually gratifying. You can do this by learning about your own anatomy, such as your erogenous zones like the clitoris and the ‘g’ spot, and learning what you like by masturbating, with or without sex toys. With partnered sex, it is highly recommended that you communicate with your partner about what you like and what you don’t. Practising mindfulness (focusing on what is happening in the moment) can help women pay attention to sexual sensations, without making judgments about or monitoring what is happening.